


Lost n Found

by frustrataed



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:07:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23377390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frustrataed/pseuds/frustrataed
Summary: Suns, flowers, waves· every person has been born with a mark on their body which matches their soulmate’s. every person but you. There’s a red bruise on your arm, occupying the small space where a golden lunette was supposed to be resting. The truth is unexpectedly heavy, and once you find out why you’re the exception to the rule, nothing will ever be the same.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Reader, Mark Lee (NCT)/Reader
Comments: 3
Kudos: 52





	1. Chapter 1

Like a leaf in autumn, that’s what you’d written on your best friend’s scrapbook under the question; _how would you describe yourself in a few words?_ You were ten at the time, yet you found yourself empathizing with this part of nature like you were one and the same. You could spend hours in your room during autumn, simply staring at the mulberry tree in the backyard. Its leaves would start withering some time in middle September, until the beginning of November, when they’d fall off completely. The captivating scenery transformed into a cemetery· every year’s curse, nature’s way of moving on. And the bodies of the volitional victims you’d decided to collect and bury yourself, since your parents did not wish to bother with gardening whatsoever.

Today, you’re setting eyes on it for the last time in a while.

The mulberry tree is being unfair towards its leaves; It knows that once detached, they have zero chances of surviving, yet it chooses disposal as a way to save its trunk and branches. Leaves never react, they surrender to the law of regeneration, aware that they will be outplaced. This altruistic sacrifice irritates you. Why do they always give in so easily? But then again, don’t you? Don’t you let yourself get carried away by the wind, traveling through time, places, and relationships aimlessly? Aren’t _you_ breathing aimlessly, moving aimlessly? Isn’t this why you’ve related yourself to autumn leaves?

You avert your dull eyes from the window the moment you hear a knock on the door. Your mother’s head peaks out, a small smile forming on her lips.

“All set. Anything else you’d like me to help with?”

“No, it’s fine, just let me finish with this bag and I’ll be down in a sec. Thanks, mom.”

She leaves without further questions as you let out a deep breath. This is it, then. The day your life is supposed to change for the better, the day you’ve been dreaming of ever since you were little has finally arrived. Under different circumstances, your heart should be beating faster and your mind should be thinking of a thousand things per second. You should be _elated_ , proud you’ve managed to get into College. But if someone ripped your chest open and shoved their hand inside to steal your heart, they would regret even making an effort; There is nothing in there, an ominous tangibility you ignore. Knowing where it originates from-this unwillingness to smile, this forbidding of fresh air to enter your lungs, you’ve accepted it all. You’ve accepted the aftereffects of your purposeless life.

You literally drag your sack down the stairs and all the way to the car, before throwing it inside the trunk along with the rest of your things. Looking up at the grey sky, which ironically seems to match with the clouds in your head, you murmur a soft “here’s to nothing,” as you open the door and plop down in the back seat.

“Are you sure you’ve taken everything? I won’t be driving back for you, I’ve already canceled two meetings.”

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

You take a quick glance at your phone before leaning back into the seat. You have about an hour until you reach the campus, meaning an hour to close your eyes and allow Morpheus to kiss your temple. The sound of the engine is enough to lull you to sleep and you’d do so, eventually, if it weren’t for your mother.

“So, how do you feel?”

The million-dollar question. The question you’ve heard so many times as a sign of interest, question, and reaction. The only four words you recall hearing for the first time. They were primarily spoken by your parents on the Big Revelation Day; that’s what you’ve decided to call it. A dismal day, that one, destructive. It chopped away the illusion you had of life, love, and that maroon bruise-like thing on your arm. That day you learned that fate had judged you before you were even born, that the universe had decided to offer you a glass of seawater to drink, that you were created with half of your soul missing. That day was the day you realized why Nancy has a deep blue wave mark on her wrist, and why your best friend Mark has a star on his shoulder.

“Earth to y/n, do you copy?”

Speaking of Mark...

“Mark said he’d come to say goodbye but he didn’t.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Why don’t you text him, I’m sure there must be a good reason why he didn’t make it.”

“Yeah, I’ll do that.”

You _don’t_. Instead, you close your eyes in an attempt to avoid any sort of conversation. This time your mother must have seen you from the rearview mirror because she doesn’t bother you again for the rest of the ride.

Mark is lovely. He and his family moved next door when you were eleven and since then, you’ve been inseparable. He’s the only person who can get a proper reaction out of you and the only person who has the honor of seeing your genuine heartfelt smiles, a gift from you meant solely for him. Mark makes everything better, he serves as a silver lining and a sign of hope, accepting you from the very first moment you’d told him.

_“I envy you, you’ll be powerful and independent when I’ll be looking for my stupid soulmate.” He’d said._

Deep down he pitied you; he never openly admitted it, but you were sure of it. A girl without a mark means a girl without a soulmate and in this story, the main purpose in life is to find your soulmate. To achieve utter happiness and completion, to own all of these feelings you were deprived of without having a chance to speak for yourself, this is the ultimate goal. Your attempts to ignore the matter turned out useless, as the first thing you were asked when meeting a new person has always been something among the lines of “Can I see your mark? What shape is your mark? Have you met your soulmate yet?” Such sentences have been haunting you all your life. And it was messing with your head until you started realizing that being bitter about it wouldn’t change a thing. Ignoring is caring, in a way, and that’s what you’ve chosen to do.

You feel a nudge on your arm and you slowly flutter your eyes open, knowing it’s time. People in college are supposed to be more open-minded and understanding, unlike your classmates. You bet on that as you focus all your energy on hoping that you’ll meet people like Mark, like Nancy, even.

“Your phone was buzzing earlier, you might wanna check it.” Your mother points out, a smirk forming on her lips. You let out a forced yawn as you push her out of the back seat. You hate it when she does that, pretending everything’s fine between you - like you’re her top priority, like you’re the daughter she’d always dreamed of. It used to sting back then, the bottled-up guilt of not being the ideal child for your parents. You had no siblings and this caused the rope around your neck to tighten more and more until you reached your breaking point. You swear you’re dead, though you can’t explain why your organs are still functioning.

“Get away from me, creep...” You murmur before stepping out of the car. Your mother concentrates on getting your luggage out and if you weren’t too busy reading Mark’s texts, you promise you’d do so too. Besides, you both know who will be carrying all these inside, your mother is already missing some important meetings, and asking her to escort you would be way too much. You catch yourself murmuring soft thank-yous sometimes, for you were never close to your parents. You could see why you never served as their most important concern.

**Today 8:10 AM**

_human clock: DUDE_

_human clock: DUDE DUDE DUDE_

_human clock: I’M SO SORRY_

_human clock: I OVERSLEPT I’M SO FUCKING SORRY_

_human clock: I’M TAKING MY DAD’S CAR AND I’M DRIVING THERE PLEASE WAIT FOR ME_

**Today 8:45 AM**

_homemade dynamite: Don’t dude me idiot!_

_homemade dynamite: I think I’ll be just fine without you after all_

_homemade dynamite: Seriously tho don’t do anything stupid. I’ll facetime you once I settle down <3_

_human clock: Too late I’m omw pls wait_

_homemade dynamite: I hate you_

You sigh as you shove your phone in your back pocket. Mark’s stubbornness has no end sometimes. As much as it makes you want to slap his butt, it’s also a quality that renders him interestingly exceptional. His poor soulmate is somewhere out there, unaware that they are about to spend the rest of their life with the sweetest human walking on this cruel world. Yes, it’s not entrenched that soulmates are committed to one another or stay together forever, but who the hell would want to break up with Mark freaking Lee?

“Guess what?” You ask your mom as you help her get out the box containing your favorite books and CDs.

“What?”

You snort at the thought of Mark waking up and looking at his watch, realizing that he will never make it on time. He’s funny, his face screams funny-in a good way, always. He deserves the world and you just pray that he gets it.

“I think Mark stole his dad’s car. He says he’ll be here in a bit.”

Your mother simply shakes her head in disbelief, whispering a few incoherent words. When you’re all done and she closes the car trunk, she gives you a tight hug without hesitation. It doesn’t take you long to figure that the words under her breath must have been thanking Mark and promising him cookies for the next decade.

“I’m really proud of you. Your father, too. This is a whole new chapter for you and I wholeheartedly hope you make the best out of it. Meet people, have fun, but not too much, you know what I mean.”

You softly pat her back, but that’s all you find yourself doing.

“You can go. I’ll wait here, I’m sure Mark won’t be late.”

“Oh,” She laughs a little, relief visibly washing over her. “Alright. Don’t forget to call me later, okay?”

“Okay, drive safe!” She’s already jumped into the car, waving at you one last time before driving off. She will probably make it to the meeting, at least.

You imagine how ridiculous you must be looking. Left alone in the parking lot with all your belonging on the ground, wearing a face that can only be marked as apathetic. You decide to sit on one of the boxes while waiting for Mark. You send him a quick text with your location and he replies that he’ll be hugging you by the time the clock hits nine. If it’s Mark, you don’t mind waiting even for a lifetime. There are times when you catch yourself having inappropriate thoughts, thoughts of you stealing him away from his soulmate and keeping him for yourself. Your mind is selfish when it comes to Mark and you should be ashamed of expecting the smallest of things to happen-but you do. You hope that one day Mark will read your thoughts and whisper _yes_ in your ear. Surrealistic, even for a dream.

The sudden honk of a car throws you out of your deep thinking. It feels like someone has just forcefully kicked you in the heart; it startles the shit out of you, causing you to shake a little. You angrily shoot your head up, noticing a black convertible passing in front of you. You furrow your eyebrows, confused. Was that supposed to be cool or something? Then, as if the driver has changed his mind, he hits reverse and backs up, eventually stopping in front of you.

“You need any help?”

It takes less than a few seconds for time to stop. You swear it’s something out of your control-you swear you don’t mean it when your eyes fall on the boy next to the driver. He’s not the one who has just addressed you, no. You haven’t studied his face yet, nor do you intend to do so. You don’t even know if you’ll be able to after what you’ve just become a witness of.

Your heart unfurls like a carpet, like a flag in the wind. You could dedicate all the poems in the world to him, if possible, but how? He looks like the whole world, the embodiment of psychosomatic totality. He’s been kissed by the sun and caressed by honey· yet it’s this dark aura completing his addictive existence that steals the air out of your lungs. His eyes stare at you in the same way you look at the mulberry tree every autumn, in a way that you never thought someone could actually return. He’s sucking the dear dead life out of you so effortlessly, you wish you could tell him to continue until you become a pile of rotten meat on the hot cement. But the endeavor of it all, the inexplicable bewitchment of a human being with only a pair of eyeballs... It’s remarkable.

Your hypnosis comes to an end when you feel someone grabbing your arm. You immediately turn your head to see a breathless Mark holding you tightly as he tries to catch his breath.

“I’m here and I’m sorry and-” He doesn’t have time to finish his sentence because the young man speaks, and as he speaks, clouds make way for the almighty Helios, whose all elegance has been passed onto his son. They make way for him to listen, they make way for _you_ to listen.

“Excuse me, have we met?” The tower of Babel must have taken longer to collapse than your heart at this moment. Funny how five simple words can create such a tsunami of emotions, an unprecedented miracle invading your reality with such force, you can only expect death. Why is it so hard to say no? The answer is as plain as can be, yet you refuse to accept it. An odd suspicion takes over you, defying your memories. However, you feel obliged to ignore it.

“No, I don’t think so...” Your sound confused, lost, long gone and Mark seems to notice because he worriedly wraps his arm around your shoulder.

“What’s going on?” What are you supposed to say? Can what just happened be explained with words? Language in all its forms is insufficient in this case, you have been failed. You open your mouth to reply nonetheless, only to be saved by the bell.

“Nothing, buddy. Come on, we’re wasting our time here.” He says to the driver, taking his lazy gaze off of you.

You’re cold.

“But wait, she-”

“Just drive, Jeno...”

“ _Fuck_ , Donghyuck, fine.”

_Donghyuck_. His name is _Donghyuck_.

After that, nothing really matters. You allow yourself to be hugged by Mark. You allow yourself to tell him you’ll miss him. You allow yourself to be helped into your dorm. And for the first time, you allow yourself to believe that fate won’t turn its back on you this time.


	2. Chapter 2

You slowly walk towards the temple built of nature, the temple which seems to know so many things yet chooses silence, a ceaseless torment for you as a whole. But something is different this time, you can feel it. Your heart is pushing you from the inside, its power unable to be defeated. And since you have never been trapped in a suchlike situation, you let its legs guide you further into the familiar yard. When you finally stand opposite of its glorious presence, your eyes immediately fall on what they’re supposed to, the one and the only difference between present and past. Your right hand is shaking as your fingers trace the carved wood. The trunk is coarse, yet this exact spot is like touching silk, attentively crafted, with mastery, as if the artisan is inhuman. No skill and no mind has the boon of creating such work.

It’s a crescent moon, sprinkled with gold dust. Around it, there are five small stars, all carved on the mulberry’s trunk, all carved on _your_ mulberry’s trunk, the one in your backyard, the one you stepped foot on just twelve deep breaths ago. You retract your hand when you feel a sharp pain in your arm. You immediately lift your sleeve up to see if there’s an insect trapped under your long white t-shirt, but you see nothing. Instead, the devil’s spit, that red mark which has been accompanying you ever since the beginning of your life, is gone. The artisan has invaded your privacy and slipped onto your skin, leaving the same shape there for you to see; they _want_ you to see it. What if it’s the temple, or the tree itself? What is it trying to tell you?

And why the hell does your arm hurt so much?

“So you _do_ sleep like a dead person, wow.” You rub your eyes a little before you allow sunlight to start annoying them once again. Jimin is already up, something that has never occurred once these past few weeks. You’ve reached a conclusion when it comes to your roommate; Jimin is the type of person to sleep late due to coffee overdosing. She needs to be kicked out of bed the next day but other than that, she’s neater than you’ll ever be and cooler than ice tea. Her sleep deprivation, however, doesn’t seem to affect her in the slightest. Your skeptical demeanor vanished two days after meeting her, realizing that beneath her boldness lies honesty and authenticity, qualities hard to find.

Jimin has already found her soulmate, it’s one of the first things you got to know about her. She met him during her summer vacations, and this is mainly the reason why they haven’t made things official. Living in different places has become a great burden regarding their relationship. _“I don’t know him that well, yet. Being with him feels right, but we agreed on giving it a little more time. We’re both afraid of commitment, so we’ve decided to take it slow”_ , she said. When it comes to your situation, you managed to slip away from her pushy questions, claiming that your mark was embarrassing and that’s why you didn’t want to show it. No, you haven’t met your soulmate, nor will you ever-for there’s isn’t one. But Jimin doesn’t have to know that. You’re aware of the risk you’re taking by leaving the truth veiled, since you and Jimin seem to click quite effectively. You decide not to worry about that now, however. All you have to do is make sure to always have your upper arm covered.

“Did you...Did you just pinch me?” You ask as you try to pull back the covers. Jimin takes them away from you again, letting out an annoyed huff.

“Yeah, I did it because I was worried, okay? You sounded like you needed to wake up.”

 _Right_. The tree, the moon, it was all a dream. And if it weren’t for this little detail, you wouldn’t pay much attention to it, either. The same scene unfolds again and again; You and the tree, nobody else. You always stare at it blankly, as if you’re expecting something from it. Almost every other night is the same, except for this one, the night that you indeed became a witness of that change yourself, you _felt_ it. You don’t believe in dreams, but this one unloaded a whole lot of weight on your shoulders. For what reason, you don’t know yet.

“What time is it, anyway?”

“A quarter to nine, so say bye-bye to first period. But honestly, I don’t really care. Today is Friday and guess what!”

“What?” You yawn as you force your body to stop flirting with the ceiling and actually sit up. When you do so, you notice Jimin eyeing you strangely. No, no; _mischievously._

"Why are you looking at me like that?” Jimin smiles as she comes to sit next to you, wrapping her arm around your tired shoulders.

“My dear, sweet y/n, will you please join me tonight?”

“Join you where, exactly?”

“To this party Beta Sigma Ksi is organizing?”

You do your best to mirror Jimin’s excited smile. You take her hand, slowly removing it from its previous position. You place it on her knees, instead, patting it a few times. Your smile drops steeply.

“Of course not.”

“Oh, please! Everyone will be there, I was told it happens annually, to welcome freshmen! And in case you didn’t realize, we _are!_ Don’t be a wuss, I promise it will be fun!”

You don’t mind parties, not at all. What you do mind, though, is your own self. And knowing better than anyone else, you’ll end up leaving in tears. This is who you are, you’ve locked yourself inside a cage and thrown away the key, in hopes of nobody discovering it. You can already picture it; a scene in which you don’t belong, nor will you ever do. You lack something really essential; desire, _yearning_. When was the last time you wanted to do something passionately, something that swept your brain off of its feet?

You don’t belong among the dancing bodies, nor those conversating on the couch. You only wish to drown in silence, for fear of being judged, misunderstood. You promised you’d never let your peculiarity turn into a deformity, not again. Yet you do it like it’s the easiest thing in the world. Like you’re an expert. It’s not far from the truth, you don’t need anyone damaging you, you can do that pretty effectively yourself.

You open your mouth to decline. Maybe you should sit on your bed and watch a movie, or read a book. Besides, this whole situation is starting to look like a chapter out of a cliché story. The shy girl goes to the party and meets the boy that will absolutely ruin her life. You prefer reading that shit out loud rather than undergo it on your own. You’re not shy, _no_ , you’ve just reached emotional bottom. Parties are for party people, you’re not in the mood for anything, really.

But then a single thought enters your mind, a ray of sunshine passing through smoky clouds. It feels like two hard slaps on the cheek because yours are starting to heat, a fire whose burn is anything but unwelcome, a reminder you’re still human. A flawed one, but still...

“You’ve zoned out again, sweetie. All I asked was if you’re in or not, stop overthinking every single thing. It holds you back...”

_She has no idea-Jimin. No idea how consuming, heart-wrenching, gut-punching and ugly this can get..._

“You know what? _Yes._ ”

“Yes as in...”

“Yes as in I’m coming. There’s going to be alcohol, right?”

“I guess so, I mean, what’s a frat party without booze?”

And there is· _plenty._ Copious amounts to spill, drink and shower with...There’s a lot. And this is your only companion for the night, plus Jimin. But as it turns out, she has more connections than you thought. She told you that Instagram can work miracles sometimes but you rolled her eyes at her dismissively, only to be proven wrong tonight. She makes sure to keep you by her side, introducing you to people you can only characterize as meretricious and mundane. You can’t imagine sitting down and sharing a conversation with these people, let alone opening up to them.

Your eyes fall on many different marks, a habit you wish you could get rid of. Your hand unconsciously rubs the spot where yours should have been. Great, you’re already starting to feel uncomfortable. Needless to say, your whole body is burning due to the temperature, maybe someone has intentionally set the heating to _“unfuckingbearable.”_ The whole house is on fire, but you don’t regret covering your arms up to the elbow. You’re not taking any chances.

You manage to slip away from _Jimin Public Relations_ at some point, deciding to pay the kitchen a short visit. It seems to be less occupied, anyway. And your supposition turns out to be correct, because there are about only a dozen people in there, which is nothing compared to the quite scary number in the pool or the front room. And there’s a perfect place for you to sit; on the counter, right next to the fridge. You grab a beer from its insides, before jumping on the wooden surface, surprised that it hasn’t been vandalized yet. You take out your phone using your free hand, only to see a few messages from Mark. Your eyes immediately flash the time at the top right of the screen, then they focus back on Mark’s strange texts.

_**Today 12:10 PM** _

_human clock: y/n_

_human clock: Please call me whenever you can_

_human clock: You won’t believe_

_human clock: YOU JUST WON’T_

_human clock: MY SKIN IS GLEAMING_

You don’t take his words too seriously, thinking that he’s probably seen something “unbelievable,” like dancing monkeys or 5-minute crafts; this crackheaded coconut.

_**Today 12:30 AM** _

_homemade dynamite: Shouldn’t the big baby be sleeping?_

_homemade dynamite: Are you still up? Mind if I call you now?_

_human clock: I’m not a baby stfu_

_human clock: And yes I’m not sleeping pls do_

“I can’t hear you well, where the fuck is the music coming from?” That’s the first thing he tells you when you greet him. You let out a soft laugh, taking a sip from the bottle in your other hand.

“From the other room, apparently. Jimin wanted to go to this party and I stuck along. Anyway, what’s up?”

“Wait, Jimin the fox?” Mark was there with you the first time you met Jimin. He’s been calling her like that ever since he saw her, due to the color of her hair; the perfect shade of ginger.

“Yes, Jimin _the fox._ ”

“You must be having so much fun so as to call me...” You can see his stupid grin over the phone, you know him too well. Mark loves teasing the shit out of you and you love being his victim, though, only in secret.

“Haha. I’m sorry I care for my best friend, it won’t happen again. Good night!”

“No, no, wait! I met my soulmate, y/n, I met her this afternoon!”

You swear it. If you were to see your face in the mirror at this very moment, you wouldn’t be in a position to recognize your own reflection. A girl looking like all life has been sucked out of her, with a face crumpled like a piece of paper and a heart trampled until there’s not a single drop of blood to be splattered. Your lungs begin malfunctioning without your permission again, the bottle in your hand falling carelessly on the floor. But it’s as if everything around you has been put on mute. You can’t hear a single thing; the sound of the glass meeting the floor, the gasps of the couple making out a few meters away, not even the rest of Mark’s excited speech. Your eyes blink insanely fast, in an attempt to prevent tears from blocking your eyesight.

Your reaction is inexplicable. Mark is your childhood friend, you should be shedding tears of joy, not desperation. You should be listening to every single detail he offers and congratulate him, smile, be _happy_ for him. Why, why can’t you bring yourself to embrace mark’s words with excitement?

A sudden feeling of loneliness washes over you and you shiver, your mind starting to awaken.

“Are you that dumbfounded? Say something, damn...”

_Dumbfoundead._

“I...I don’t know what to say, Mark. Wow, I mean, that’s amazing. I, uh, and why are you telling me now, anyway?”

“Were you even listening, dumbass? She came over at the store to buy hair dye and I can’t really explain, I immediately knew. God, it was so awkward when I asked to see her mark, but I was right! We spent all afternoon together and-”

“Your mom must be really happy...” You interrupt him, your voice low. Oh, you wish, oh how you wish...That’s all you ever do.

“You bet!”

You can’t take it any longer. He sounds like he’s entered paradise, and how can you ever get mad at him? What for? For not choosing you? For not being your soulmate? This has all been in your head from the very beginning, the dreams, the hopes, every single thought you had about him. You and your stupid self. You and your stupid mind for daring to sculpt such illusions.

_“Your knee is bleeding...”_

“You sound like someone’s burning off your special edition of Emma...Everything alright?” Mark’s question pierces your insides. You hate it when he does that, you hate it when he can play with you without even noticing. If only he never spoke to you again, leaving you picking up the pieces he scattered on the floor. If only he stopped caring about you completely, If only he disappeared from your life. You’d prefer this, rather than having to suffer and being pulled into this never-ending back and forth, a situation that makes solely your own head spin.

_“Did you drop this? Hello?”_

“That’s great news, Mark, I mean it...Thank you for telling me, I hope we hang out all together sometime soon, yeah?”

“Please don’t do this to me, y/n...Fuck, like, I can hear you sobbing...”

_“I said, your - knee - is - bleeding. For fuck’s sake, can you stop ignoring me for a second?”_

“Look, you’re probably thinking that this will change things between us, but I promise you it won’t. I’m always here, you know that. Please tell me you know that...”

You don’t know anything, anymore. _Not a single thing._

You don’t have the time to reply because someone grabs your phone away from your shaky hand, causing you to jump a little in fright. You look up, only to regret it a few seconds later.

“This shit can wait.”

You can’t recover, everything’s happening too quickly for your pace. At first, you convince yourself that you’re mistaken, completely, insanely, mistaken. But then you wipe the salty waves away from your eyes, and it’s clear as day. He’s standing right in front of you, in all his ethereal glory. His eyebrows are slightly furrowed as they fixate on your bare knee, then back at you, your phone still in his hands. He hangs up in your place, before tossing it next to you. Then you hear him speak again, this time allowing him to enter your ears, the familiar voice working miracles on you. He’s wearing a plain black t-shirt and ripped jeans of the same color. It suits him, _a lot._

“You cut yourself.” He states, and that’s only when you take a look. Your floral dress is resting just a few millimeters above the red waterfall running down your legs. _Great, just great._

“The bottle slipped from my hand, I’m sorry I made a mess.” You mumble as you notice the glass pieces mocking you from below. At least you’ve drunk the whole thing.

“Wait here, I’ll bring something to get you cleaned up.”

“Okay...” That’s all you can muster for now, but it seems to be enough for Donghyuck because he’s already gone, probably heading to the nearest bathroom.

You completely forgot about him, despite the fact that he is the only reason why you agreed to Jimin’s proposal in the first place. You don’t know a single thing about him, except for his first name. Is he a member of the fraternity? Is he a freshman too? You can’t really tell. His legs are long, are all boys in here like this? You’ve met a lot tonight, thanks to Jimin, but that’s the only time when you’ve wondered such a thing. Donghyuck also walks like a pampered cat, with grace and confidence, he’s a long-legged cat, a really pretty _cat-_

You decide to stop thinking, it’s draining all your energy and you want to be able to thank Donghyuck when he returns. For now, you close your eyes as you lean your head against the broad side of the fridge. You’re still sitting on the counter - your poor back hurts a little, but you don’t feel like sitting up, not right now. You block the rest of the sounds, your breathing starting to finally get steady. Everything will be just fine. Mark will be fine, _you_ will be fine...

It takes less than ten seconds for darkness to consume you completely.

And for the first time in a while, during the noisiest of nights, you find _peace_.


	3. Chapter 3

To you, time seems to be nothing but a funny concept. It has never treated you with benevolence or empathy, making it understood that you’re in anything but a favorable position. Dear time makes sure to mock you in ways beyond control and right now is no different. You can hear their voices, the so familiar tunes that have been accompanying you for a while, but you’re unable to open your eyes or mouth to show a sign that, _yes_ , you’re there, trapped beneath the silence. The only moment you wish to make your mental presence known, and time won’t open its doors for you to pass. _This is not your turn, dear. Sit down and listen as you wait, please._

Someone’s carrying you in their arms, and given that you’re slowly starting to gain consciousness, it doesn’t take you long to realize. The warmth radiating from his body engulfs you completely as you fall into a state of intoxication. You’ve completely surrendered as he’s carrying you to your dorm, Jimin walking closely behind. He smells like home, like the place you’ve always been supposed to spend your life in. Cigarettes and vanilla, distant but familiar, something you can’t put a finger on. You don’t know how he does it, creating images in your head, awakening emotions you didn’t know you were capable of experiencing. Donghyuck has divine power over you, a power that can only be described as uncommonly eerie. You’ve tried to reason it multiple times, yet reached a dead end. Why does a complete stranger feel so fucking intimate?

“Thank you so much for doing this, Donghyuck. It’s all my fault, I should have kept an eye on her and now your night is ruined-”

“It’s fine, don’t even mention it. Listen, she was crying when I found her. Was talking to some guy named Mark, I think. Any idea who that might be?”

“Yeah, he’s her best friend. I met him once, dude’s a butter knife. Like, I shook his hand and he fucking blushed. Why, were they fighting?”

“No, I mean, I don’t know.”

Time caressed your cheek just once; when it lavishly gifted you Mark. You were Atlas, punished to carry the world on your shoulders eternally. And for someone without a soulmate, the world was just too heavy, an endless torment fit for a girl who didn’t belong with everyone else. One day, hidden behind a drape of tears and dead leaves, he found you. He kissed your forehead and asked to share the weight of the world with you because you didn’t deserve to endure it on your own. Mark arrived just when you felt like giving up, letting the enormous globe to quash you down and cease your weeping for good.

“There we are. Please be careful, if you hit her head anywhere, I’ll fucking murder you.”

“Honestly, Jimin, I’d _love_ to see you try.”

Mark is not Hercules, no, and you’ll never miscall him that. Hercules tricked Atlas and carried said weight for a short period of time, enough for the latter to bring him the apples of his daughters. Hercules did it for his own benefit. Mark was not playing with you, you’d be insane to even think that. However, he slipped away from your grasp as quickly as he came, a bitter reminder that he can’t be controlled or forced to share the weight with you forever. Life moves on, at least Mark’s does. Yours hasn’t even started, nor will it ever. And if it does, it won’t matter; Mark’s no longer there to make it better.

Your body finally meets the soft mattress of your bed and you’re immediately cold, wishing to be held by Donghyuck for just a little longer. There must be an error somewhere in your brain, one moment you dare to consider your potential feelings for Mark, the other you’d die to be embraced by Donghyuck. Why is there a conflict in the first place? You don’t feel that way about Mark, right? And you barely know Donghyuck. Then why, why are you having such thoughts?

You’re fully awake now, but you seem to be unable to find the courage to open your eyes. What were you going to say, anyway? You needed time to think everything through and Donghyuck’s presence always makes your head hazy, it was a predetermined failure. Time, you need time. But is it willing to offer itself to you?

“Again, thank you for tonight. But please don’t ever do so again.” Jimin’s voice is low but you can still tell she’s being serious. This is concerned and intimidated Jimin.

“Excuse me?”

You can hear your heart pounding in your chest, strange how none of them has noticed yet. Oh, and w _hat the hell is going on?_

“Do me a favor and stay away from her. She would never want to be involved with a person like you, anyway.”

“Why?” Donghyuck sounds offended and you wish you could take a glance at his face. Is he frowning? Is he clenching his fists? You convince yourself to put up with it for a few more minutes, the topic of the conversation being too interesting to ruin.

_No_ , Jimin is wrong. If anything, getting involved with him is all you’ve ever wanted since you saw him that fatal morning. You wish to know what makes him smile and what annoys him. You wish to know how he spends his evenings, you wish to know the song that he could listen to over and over again. You wish to know Hyuck, inside and out.

“There’s a lot going on inside her head, already. Instead of trying to throw it on others, you carry your own fucking baggage, for once.”

Little do Jimin’s mighty words move you. Your whole mentality has already been shaken by something more forceful, something that crossed your mind just a second ago. Shivers run down your spine as you fight to keep yourself immobile, in order to not cause any suspicion.

A harsh punch in the stomach then, since the brain refuses to speak.

You called him Hyuck.

_Hyuck. Lee. Lee Hyuck._

You’ll keep his name with you for as long as you breathe, as a reason to cry to after you’ve hurt yourself. And you’ll get hurt because now you know.

You’ve met him before; a long time ago, so long that your memory has failed you. You can’t recall under what circumstances, when, where or why, but you’re sure of one thing; the familiarity he emitted was not arbitrary, after all.

It’s still early, but you’ve already sat on your usual spot in the library, a desk at the back, right next to the window. You’re grateful for all the students who volunteer to keep the library open during weekends, they must _really_ love the smell of old paper filling the atmosphere. You’re not here to study, though. You’re simply waiting because of the note you found under your pillow this morning.

You woke up earlier than Jimin, who was sleeping in her party outfit. That was the first thing you noticed about yourself, too. Your dress was still in its place, and so was the bandaid that Donghyuck had probably put on your knee while you were unconscious. As you were hastily making your bed, a small folded paper caught your eye.

_Meet me in the library at around 12?_

_\- Donghyuck._

Sharing a decent conversation with Donghyuck, at last, is like a dream come true. Plus, not wanting to deal with Jimin’s scowling is your way of embracing self-care. Like Hulk, you couldn’t help but see it as an absolute win. You took a quick shower and changed into a comfortable pair of jeans and a shirt before leaving your shared room.

You refuse to check your phone just yet. The way your conversation with Mark ended last night would definitely trigger his severe anxiety charisma, you were convinced he’d even called your parents.

Avoiding confrontation with anyone but yourself, that was the goal of the day, until you caught yourself getting excited about meeting Donghyuck. However, you have to clear your own head first, before attempting to crack the skulls of others. And there’s a huge papyrus unrolling before your eyes, containing a ton of questions. The most pressing one at the moment is this; _how do you know Donghyuck?_ This query itself brings little subquestions that threaten to drive you to absurdity. Nervously tapping on the cup of coffee you have yet to drink, you close your eyes in an attempt to focus.

You can’t recall a thing.

It’s scaring you, how you’re aware that your paths have crossed in the past, but you can’t seem to be able to bring back any context. Frustrated, you decide to finally take a look at the apocalypse taking place in your notifications. Your heart skips a beat at the sight of Mark’s nickname on the screen. Second most pressing question; do you have feelings for Mark?

**_Today 12:50 AM_ **

_human clock: YOU DIDN’T JUST HANG UP ON ME_

**_Today 1:00 AM_ **

_human clock: I’m sorry_

_human clock: I should have told you in person_

_human clock: I want to know why you cried because what I’m thinking rn is quite alarming_

**_Today 2:00 AM_ **

_human clock: I can’t stop thinking about it. I have no idea what to do y/n._

_human clock: I want to see you so please call me before I come there in secret and whoop your ass_

His attempts to lighten the mood are obviously in vain because all you want is to throw up, guilt starting to choke your heart.

_No_ , you love Mark in another way, in a way beyond words, sentences, and paragraphs. You are you and Mark is Mark. You’ve thrown mud at each other faces more times than you can count and drank from the same bottle of water even many more. Mark has been hugging you, Mark has been pulling and braiding your hair for over a decade. And you’ve been buying him lame birthday gifts on purpose, you’ve been stealing his legos and eating the apples from his fridge. You’ve been hugging him, too.

All these years you’ve been spending together, you’ve loved him. You love him. You love Mark because he held your hand every time someone mocked you for being different, you love Mark because he generously showered you with tenderness you could never get from your parents. You love Mark because he’s always been there to catch you before you even got the chance to think of falling. That’s why you’re scared, you’re scared that he’ll no longer be there to save you from yourself. You’re scared of losing the only person who you’ve shown your true self to. This is the answer to the lingering question, and this is exactly what you’re going to tell him.

_**Today 11:50 AM** _

_homemade dynamite: I’m sorry I didn’t reply_

_homemade dynamite: And I’m sorry for worrying you_

_homemade dynamite: There’s this really nice diner nearby are you interested?_

_homemade dynamite: My treat_

You also notice a few calls from your mother, so you send her a quick text, reassuring her that you’re alive and all. You don’t want to talk to her right now and you’re sure the feeling is mutual. Both your mom and dad work during weekends, too.

“Is this seat taken?”

What have you ever done to deserve this torture? Every time you try to take a step forward, something always happens and you go back five, a relentless affliction that will never disappear from existence. If it takes five minutes for you to feel strong and content, it takes less than this for all of it to collapse, leaving you weak, small. And when it comes to Donghyuck, you always seem to shrink and hide in your shell, afraid that except for being an enchanter, he’s a really good reader, you being the book.

You shake your head in response, taking your bag off the wooden chair in the blink of an eye. He drags it back a little before plopping down opposite of you, his dark gaze studying you.

He must be doing it on purpose, somehow managing to draw you close. He must have noticed the effect he has on your poor helpless soul and is toying with you, that must be it. Or you’re just being delusional. Even so, how does one explain the fact that he managed to slip a note without you noticing? And when the hell did he have the time to write it? Is he a stalker? Have you fallen for the unspoken charms of a fucking creep?

“What are we doing here?” You ask in a low voice, determined to follow the _keep quiet rule_ even though there are hardly six people in the library right now. You don’t mean to sound rude, but the words have already left your mouth by the time you realize. Nevertheless, you have a point. Maybe he’s just trying to prove Jimin wrong, show her that you’re more than willing to start hanging out with him. And he’d be just right, no doubt.

You’re in the library on a Saturday morning, and he looks like he’s gotten a whole eight-hour sleep as if he didn’t stay up until late last night. The olive t-shirt he’s wearing suits him well, you doubt there’s any color he wouldn’t look good in, really.

“What do people normally do at libraries?” He scoffs, before carefully placing a familiar book on the table.

“You wanted to meet to study Whitman?” You’re unable to hide your surprise and confusion. Not a single thing makes sense regarding Donghyuck. Not even his motives, apparently.

He lets out a soft laugh, shaking his head.

“No, I’m kidding. I just wanted us to officially introduce ourselves. We’ve met, what, two times already? And I still don’t have your name.” That’s a blatant lie, of course; you’ve both come to know each other’s names one way or another. But you understand when he comes from, he probably wants to start anew, properly. Alright, you’ll give him the chance to do so. Besides, that’s what your heart’s been beating for since your eyes fell on him that day at the parking lot.

If only you could see yourself at that moment. You’re like a little kid when it’s offered candy from the very first time. The latter contemplates the wrapper in its hand, not knowing if it will decay its newly grown teeth. But when it opens it up and sees the candy itself, it just can’t resist, all worries disappearing immediately. In the same way, with an excited grin on your lips, you take Donghyuck’s now extended hand. He shakes it for the sake of both of you since you don’t seem to be moving.

“Lee Donghyuck. Nice to finally meet you awake and, you know, _smiley_.”

“y/n l/n...Glad to meet you _awake and, you know, smiley_.”

A sudden wave of electricity consumes your insides, soon replaced by an abrupt sense of _euphoria_. It’s as if his touch is channeling energy through you, an energy that sends flames up your eyes. If pure bliss comes from holding his hand, you can’t imagine how hugging or possibly kissing him must feel like. Heaven falling down on sinful Earth-

During this moment of utter excellence, a short movie flashes before your eyes. A tiger that can’t be tamed has just escaped from the depths of your consciousness and attacks your mind without a warning. It’s funny how you deconstruct your own self so easily. As if your lifetime labor to stand on your own two feet is of no importance whatsoever.

You, five or six- year- old you. You’re on a swing which someone’s pushing from behind, trying to help you fly as high as possible. It’s a boy about the same age. You’ve seen him before. Actually, you’ve been watching his older version for quite some time now. You’re both screaming and laughing like all children do when in a playground. All until a man ruins this beautiful scene. His face is distorted, making it impossible to recognize. He leaves as he wildly enters, slapping the boy before dragging him away from you.

You’re swinging and swinging, and swinging until there’s no force to keep you going. Until all sounds are replaced by silence. 

The sun is left yellow and you’re left blue.

_Blue and alone._


	4. Chapter 4

Love at first sight; Four simple words you’ve heard in movies. Four simple words you’ve read in books more times than you can enumerate. Four simple words you’ve been told on occasions. Four simple words that transmute into sharp knives every single time, touching your delicate skin before slowly cutting it open, allowing blood to start a race. Love at first sight hits close to home, it’s become one and the same with it. It stings because you’ve been a witness of it, yet you remain mute, consumed by fear. You wished not to shed light on this love, forbidding it to finally behold the sun. But in this story, love identifies with the sun, and you’re starting to burn.

You’re not an expert when it comes to love; If anything, you’ve been avoiding it like the plague. The red mark on your arm has always served as a painful reminder that you’re never supposed to feel this way about anyone, and if you do, you’ll be punished. Besides, how can you fall in love with someone else’s soulmate? Of course, people do that a lot, but not people like you - if there are any out there, anyway. Their fate is predetermined, and whether they like it or not, somehow, in some way, they’ll end up in the warm embrace of their soulmate. But nobody is meant for you, nobody and nothing. Nothing but a promised life steeped in confusion and inequity.

It’s funny, how you and Donghyuck can’t hold a proper conversation without something happening. Maybe you’ll be able to speak to him in a bit, when you’ll have managed to breathe like always, slow and deep. Maybe when your eyes decide to dry and finally allow you to see. Maybe when Donghyuck stops rubbing your back, an act of blind consolation. It makes you feel worse, and as the events keep playing in your head like a cassette whose tape has been tangled, embarrassment starts taking over.

“I used to have panic attacks, too. In random places, at random times...It was horrible, and nobody seemed to care. One day I looked at my reflection in the mirror and said; ‘Get your shit together, Hyuck. You only have yourself, don’t lose you as well.’ It was a hard fight, but they went away, eventually.”

His words are overflowing with honesty and genuineness, as if he knows exactly what you’re going through, as if he’s _felt_ it. Your shaky hand successfully removes a few tears away from your face. You want to look at him clearly, you want to meet his worried gaze and try to read through it, steal his spells, and use them against him. You’ve already done that unknowingly, οf course, but it’s for later to find out. Donghyuck removes his hand as you lean back, the wood of the bench uncomfortably touching your back. You blink a few times before turning your head to the right. He’s already staring back at you with a sad smile, a smile that reminds you of the boy you saw earlier in your vision.

Was the reason why you broke down and ran out of the library just a memory, after all? A hurtful memory your brain took the initiative to throw into the depths of your unconscious? Was this the answer to all your questions regarding Donghyuck’s familiarity? You can’t trust your mind enough to say yes. Yet.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like you pity me.”

No matter what he was going through back then, there are still traces, telltale signs that the war isn’t over yet. Donghyuck is like you, a leaf flying in the autumn sky. You don’t need to ask to figure it out; his eyes unveil it all. The agony to finally reach the ground, the fear of being stepped on by someone, and turning to little crispy pieces...What you ought to figure though, is whether you come from the same tree, because if you do-

No, that’s a silly thought. A really silly one...

“I don’t pity you, Donghyuck. How can I pity someone I don’t know?” _Yet I see myself in you, our substance must be equal, our struggles alike, otherwise there’s no reason for me to feel this way..._

“Do you want to?”

“Know you?”

“Yes.”

“I do. Do you?”

“Yes, _please_.”

~

“We’ve been sitting here for almost an hour and you still haven’t spoken to me. What’s wrong?”

Everything is wrong. Everything seemed to be wrong from the beginning, but now you can confidently say that it’s reached the very last point. Nothing makes sense, and as time goes by, you can’t help but question even the most insignificant thing you’ve been told since you were little. 

You’re not insane. You may be tired, broken, and might have served as a punching bag for bullies for years, but your sanity is still holding onto your brain. Having visions, being washed over by sudden and unprecedented emotions, none of this is accidental. You meeting Donghyuck, feeling an invisible chain pulling you closer to one another, _no_. It can’t be accidental.

“I’m sorry, Mark. There’s just a lot going in my mind right now...”

You regret not canceling your plans with him, or not being persuasive enough to change his mind. Mark wanted to meet you and your defenses crippled down in a matter of minutes. You decide to see the bright side of it, maybe you can finally make your thoughts known to him, seeking a shelter. He’s always been supportive and understanding, after all.

“Care to share, then? This fucking silence is killing me, especially when I don’t know how you _really_ feel about me...” Mark is nervously fiddling with his fingers, the milkshake in front of him untouched.

While you’re busy worrying over a conspiracy of the universe against your identity as a soulmate, curiosity and confusion have been consuming Mark’s insides, causing him to get nauseous, an emotional motion sickness that he’s willing to finally get rid of tonight. And he’s a confused man himself, trapped between two people, the one he’s known almost his whole life, and the one that has just entered it in the sweetest way possible.

“What do you mean?”

“You know exactly what I mean, y/n. I heard you crying on the phone the other night and I wanted to rip my heart out. I even caught myself wanting to apologize to you for finding my soulmate...Wh- what is this, _us_ , I mean-”

“Mark,” You finally meet his glistening eyes as you extend your hand across the table. He immediately takes it, as if your touch will make things easier for him to figure out. You caress the top of his hand with your thumb a few times before letting go, but Mark is quick to pull it right back, imitating your previous movement.

“I need to know, y/n...I need to know because it’s been torturing me for quite a long time...”

If there’s a reason you’re sitting there, breathing, it’s because of Mark. If there’s a reason you’re still able to form the faintest of smiles, it’s because of Mark. If there’s a reason why you’ve managed to grow up all the way to the present, it’s because of Mark. You owe Mark your soul, and you’d gladly give it to him if possible. But your heart belongs to someone else,

and as time goes by, you catch yourself sinking deeper into uncertainty. But you don’t mind, for now. You don’t mind if you and Donghyuck don’t work out. He can hurt your heart a thousand times and you’d still thank him, for he’d awakened it. A heart filled with blood, a healthy and functioning heart, a heart that can feel pain is a heart you won’t mind, or at least that’s what you keep telling yourself.

“I was overwhelmed because it was completely out of the blue. I’ve always thought that after you find your soulmate your behavior towards me would change. That’s why I reacted the way I did... It was selfish of me, I know now, and I’m sorry. I was the one that confused you, but now I’m being clear and I’m telling you this; I want nothing more than your happiness, and your fate has shown you the path that leads to it. Follow it, and I’ll be content.”

“What if I don’t want to follow it?”

“What?”

_Run. Run before everything turns to ashes, run before your biggest dream turns into your biggest nightmare, run y/n, run away, run-_

“What if I don’t want to follow this damn path? What if I tell fate to piss off? What if I tell fate that the one that truly makes me happy is right in front of me right now?”

“I, I don’t -”

“I think I’m in love with you and I’m scared.”

The walls of the diner seem to be coming closer and closer to you in order to smash you once and for all. Maybe, it’s not the walls of the diner, after all. Maybe it’s the wall you’ve built around yourself. Maybe it’s the wall that was supposed to keep you and Mark friends, the same wall that had already cracked when you saw Donghyuck. Indecisive, you are. But above all, you’re internally shattered, you always have been. 

And thus, making good use of the awful habit you’ve recently developed, you _do_ run.


End file.
